Touch

I found a couple of interesting articles that you can read HERE and HERE . It’s no wonder we as the American church have so much difficulty living in love. Touch is a very natural part of love. While these articles are good, I think it’s indicative of a very sad problem that this even needed to be said. Throughout most of history, such an article would probably have been met with a befuddled stare. It would have been like handing a shepherd a manual on why sheep bleat when they’re not fed. Only in a society as warped and far off the meter as ours is, would we even need to be told these things.

But indeed, warped the American culture has become. We’ve been so conditioned to live in fear of our affections being misconstrued. Someone might think we’re behaving provocatively. Someone might suspect us of being gay. Someone might even think we’re child molesters in disguise.

The second article reported the observed low amounts of touch between teens. Then it stated, “The low amounts of touching in these studies was surprising, given the high levels of physical intimacy reported among U.S. students.” Excuse me? DUH! Where is the surprise? Based on the overall report in this article (which I think is dead on) desperate teens in a “no touch” culture will do whatever it takes to get a hug, some contact with another, anything disguised as affection and love. And I don’t think this phenomenon is in any way limited to teens.

It is easy to see why there is so much sexual deviance in our culture. We all hear stories of teen promiscuity, same-sex partnerships, adultery. But even many who live in healthy and functional marriages and other family relationships may find ourselves worrying about sexual sin and thinking we’re just a step away from it. With the number of sexual images being bombarded at us on a daily basis in our culture, it’s no wonder we may tend to have “sex on the brain” whether we want to or not.

Even standing in line at Wal-Mart we’d have to close our eyes and try not to get run over by the cart behind us to keep from being bombarded with images. Each time we are greeted with obtrusive magazine covers that try to force-feed the public endless details of the sex scandals of celebrities and other sexually related things we didn’t really want to know. Yet we’re often cautious of giving a simple hug or squeeze on the shoulder for fear it will be misconstrued. How sick is that?

I couldn't find any conclusive scientific evidence to support the following statement, but I'm going to make it anyway: I think that nearly all sexually deviant relationships and desires are the product of an environment in which healthy expression of love and affection isn't allowed or available.

I wish all this didn’t affect the Church, but sometimes I think we are the worst affected of all. We’ve been so conditioned to think that Christianity is about Not Sinning, rather than Living in Love. Therefore, the plumb line has been making sure you don’t do anything that looks wrong, rather than making sure someone else feels loved.

I’m just sick of it. And I hope and pray that Father will continue to work to heal this sick cultural phenomenon that has infected his Bride. It was so wonderful at the Free Believers gathering in California to just hug my brothers and sisters. I’m looking forward to seeing lots more of this next year in Phoenix. Meanwhile, I’m going to try to keep my eyes open for anyone who needs a hug.

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. – Mother Teresa

A Brother

I believe Father is working to heal an old wound, one of no nurturing male relationships in my family of origin. The sadness over the loss (or really lack is a better word) of relationship with my biological brother is something I thought I was just stuck with. It is such old news that I went years hardly thinking about it. Yet it had been bothering me a lot again for a few months. I’m noticing a pattern over my years as a disciple, that when something really begins to eat at me, Father often is actually working on healing that area.

The warnings about adultery and sexual sin in the church have had me treading carefully over the years. Supposedly we are all brothers and sisters in Christ, but IC protocol dictated that I wasn’t truly allowed to have relationship with any of the men. At some level this always saddened me. What good is a family if you can’t abide in love with the other members?

Well, I knew I was supposed to keep my distance in order to avoid sinful temptations. I didn’t find myself really drawn to many of the men anyway, some were cool and distant, others friendly enough but didn’t stand out as anything super special to me. I even thought some of them were Total Geeks. So I didn’t really see what the big deal was. But I certainly didn’t want to be guilty, so I dutifully followed the rules.

Occasionally though, I would talk with someone who I really liked. They might be especially good listeners, or have a great sense of humor, or an exceptionally gentle and compassionate personality. I would find myself wanting to talk to them more and get to know them more. I would even find myself looking forward to seeing them again.

Then of course, I thought "oh no. This must be adultery in the making. A tiny flame can be fanned into a wildfire, so snuff it out!" I would stuff down thoughts of wanting to talk more in depth with a man I liked, or of really liking him for this quality or that. Especially if he was anywhere near my age. I figured it might be OK if he was young enough to be my much-younger brother or old enough to be my grandpa, but anything else was Not Allowed.

Fortunately I have come to realize that most of the "adultery" paranoia is based on the "depraved sinner" mentality, rather than acknowledging we have new hearts. After all, many of Jesus’ friends who followed him around were women. I assume they were single, but Jesus obviously wasn’t "available," as that wasn’t what he’d come to earth for. I remember Mary finding Jesus alive and well on the third day, falling at his feet and weeping overjoyed. What love she must have had for him! Yet I don’t believe for a minute that they were having an affair or any sort of inappropriate relationship. They were simply and very powerfully loving each other as brother and sister.

Meeting Darin in person at the "Jake BBQ" was a real blessing. After a year and a half of reading his writings and listening to him online, I got to see added dimensions of how kind and insightful he is. I really enjoy his personality and sense of humor. And his compassion and understanding of people is truly special. He doted over his daughter, approached everyone with a friendly smile, patiently answered the questions of hungry people.

On the last evening, I listened as Darin talked with someone who was struggling and had a lot of questions. I hoped to have something helpful to say too, but there was little I could add to the conversation. So I just watched as Darin did as Jesus did -took the time to listen and get to the root of the problem.

As I sat listening to Darin, I recognized some of the feelings of affection and being drawn to a man that I had had in the past that I’d been told were wrong, sinful, deviant. The knee-jerk reaction of, "Oh, I'm sorry Lord, let me not sin" kicked in. In the past, the "oh no, I'm sinning" thoughts made it easy enough to change channels and think about something else.

This time, that didn't work. The feeling grew stronger and I know Father wanted it that way. Then, I felt Father was saying softly to me, "It’s all right. Let it out. It’s okay." So I let a wave of love for him just wash over me. I just love Darin, I told Father, and I felt Father smile as he said, I know you do. And it’s all right, as well you should. He is your brother.

I believe that brothers are just as important as fathers are. They can give their sisters friendship, protection, advice, the feeling that she is important and special and beautiful. Or, they can hurt hurt her and make her feel worthless. Is it really Father's plan to allow the loss and the wounds from our earthly family to remain a burden we have to carry all our days? Many Christian circles seem to hold a view of "you're a depraved sinner, so don't look at, talk to, or allow yourself to have significant feelings for anyone of the opposite sex unless you're married to them." Is this really reflective of Father's view of us? As Proverbs says, as a man thinks, so he is. I'm coming to see how we've shortchanged ourselves thinking this way.

If you haven’t already listened, the link to the latest FBN podcast is HERE. The subjects of sex, relationships, and the distinction between healthy and unhealthy ways to express our love for one another is a subject I hope is opened up for discussion more. Certainly there are appropriate boundaries, but Father is showing me what we are missing by 'drawing the lines' way too rigidly. We're missing out on relationships of love that could work to heal, help, and encourage each other.

Sunny Kim

Kim's usual signature is "Kim in sunny Sacramento." One day when she told us it was raining there, however, I reminded her that it's always sunny wherever she is.

The invitation to come out to California came as a wonderful and very unexpected thing. After quite some time of very little meaningful face-to-face interaction with anyone outside my immediate family, out of the clear blue Kim called and invited me out for a Free Believers weekend. I thought of Jesus who goes around collecting the straggling sheep. This time he put one on a plane to Sacramento. So, well armed with gum and a barf bag in case of airsickness, I found myself clinging to Father, and he to me, as the plane left the ground.

Kim had invited friends she’s met from all over. Some were single, some were older, some younger people her children knew. Some had significant life issues they were struggling with. Many of them were those that I know from experience the IC would dismiss. Young, old, black, white, affluent and financially struggling - everyone is the same to her. We’re all looking to make heart connections, and this is something Kim is great at. She doesn’t see people in terms of outward appearance - she looks at the heart.

This wonderful quality has also brought her close relationships with her grown daughters and son-in law, who spend time with her because they WANT to. Three of the four young adults live out of their home now but were there so much I had to stop and remember who technically lives there and who doesn’t.

Kim spent a lot of time in the kitchen preparing food to feed everyone, but she didn’t seem to see it as a chore or a bother at all. She chatted with everyone easily as she worked, totally unlike the harried "Martha" stereotype we’ve all heard of. As she worked, she talked of how she loves to have people over and sees it as a privilege to prepare for a house full. Her entire family reflected the attitude of hospitality, right down to her mom who made a huge pan of wonderful biscuits and gravy for breakfast one morning. (I was touched that she even called me on Kim’s cell phone on the way to the airport to say goodbye since I’d missed her earlier that morning!) This love for people, this attitude of outreach and hospitality, is a precious and sadly unusual commodity in today’s society.

Kim’s optomistic outlook is one of the first things I saw in her personality the first time we talked on the phone. Being a more melancholy sort myself, she is a great influence and balance for me. An incurable optomist is something that many of us need. Seeing the sunny side of life doesn’t necessarily come easily to me. Having her lens to see things through has been very good for me.

My family of origin tends to have a strong negative outlook. Then of course, there was the time spent in charismatic IC where there was supposedly a demon around every corner that we had to be all wound up in fear over. If we didn’t "break the curse in Jesus’ name," we were goners for sure.

Kim’s sunny outlook on life has been a breath of fresh air that I had long felt a need for. Something good IS going to happen. Father IS going to work any situation out for good. There IS reason to hope in spite of a bleak landscape. There IS something good waiting for you around the corner. We DO have control over some things that bother us and the things we don’t have control over WILL get better. Father IS faithful. This is a message I didn’t get for years and years of my life, and am so glad to be drinking in now. A stream in the desert, and sunshine through the clouds.

Father is working through people like Kim to show me that I have worth, that I am special and of great value to him, just the way he made me. The wilderness can be a hard place. It’s just been very, very lonely at times. Even in my active "church" days it seemed I was mostly just valued for being the dependable one who would man the nursery or pass out bulletins. Feeling overlooked as a person for so long can certainly leave its toll on a person’s self-esteem.

Part of me felt like there must be some mistake when I was remembered this way, to have an invitation for a whole weekend in sunny California, to meet not just one but three people whose online friendship I've enjoyed. The whole experience served to remind me that Father never does forget us. I have needed more sunshine, and am glad to have found it in Kim… in my spiritual family… in my Father.

Flying

I had a great time in sunny Sacramento with my free-believing friends. I am trying to decide how to share what Father has shown me, and have some blogs "in the works" in my mind that I hope to post before long.

Meanwhile, I thought you all might enjoy this movie clip, especially those of you who know I'm a little flying-challenged (though fortunately, not nearly this much!)

Painted Bunting

This is a photo I found on the web of a bird we saw in our own front yard at the feeder just now. I have never seen one before. I love birds and feel Father has remembered me each time I see a pretty one.

Minnows

One of my favorite parts of fishing is catching minnows. This is especially fun in a creek with running water. For those of you who aren’t fishermen, a minnow jar is a wide-mouthed jar with a funnel-shaped cone that screws onto the lid and goes down into the jar. You set it against a rock so it won’t wash away, with the mouth of the jar turned downstream. Add a few wads of cheap Wonder bread, and watch the magic.

One minnow will see that interesting white blob and make a run for it. Next thing you know, he’s happily feasting! Wow! Wonder Bread! Much more exciting and yummy than microorganisms and tiny bits of plant matter. Soon, another hapless minnow comes along and sees excited flashes of a brother minnow ahead. He must be missing something! He goes over to join his brother and soon the two of them are gobbling up the soggy Wonder bread.

Before you know it, several other minnow brothers and sisters have joined the feeding frenzy. It just gets easier to attract newcomers, the more flashing fish there are in that packed little minnow jar. Surely there is something great in there, and so more and more come and join the frenzy.

There are a few interesting things to note here. First of all, Wonder bread, while bright and exciting, was never God-intended to be a healthy source of nourishment for fish (or people, for that matter). Second, the more fish show up in the jar, the more buzz and activity there is, but the less actual food is available. Third, and most importantly, once they get in there, they’re trapped.

They wait in the jar for their time of use. Then, they have a hook shoved in their backside. They can still flail around, but they can't go anywhere. Inevitably, their purpose in life is to bait another, bigger fish… once their job is done, they’re disposed of. Either they get eaten by a bigger fish, or they die on the line waiting for one to come along. Then they are tossed out and another minnow is captured and put in their place.

This post was inspired by my wonderful country-boy husband.

The Baby and the Bath Water

One of the things we ‘free believers’ hear often from those who still faithfully attend an IC is, "Well, you don’t want to just throw the baby out with the bath water." The implied meaning may vary from "Do you really have to be so extreme?" to "Your leaving organized church is the same as leaving the Lord" to "Are you sure you aren’t getting into some New Age religion?"

Our family is considering moving to a place closer to town, so have begun casually looking. We want a fixer-upper, not a new home. So last weekend we were shown … let’s just say, a REAL fixer upper.

This house was once beautiful, but had been so badly neglected for many years that only someone with lots of money and time to invest would want to try and salvage it. The cost of repairing this house to full functionality would far exceed any market price of the house itself. It just wouldn’t be practical for a busy family with modest means to take the time, money and labor to try and restore this house.

I sighed with regret, seeing the beautiful hardwood floors still in great shape in some of the rooms, the large windows, the huge living area, the brick fireplace in the bedroom. There was so much personality and history to this place. Yet there was the old, leaky roof; the serious foundation issues obvious in the floor, the laundry porch literally falling off of the house, the large lawn completely overtaken by weeds, the falling-down carport loaded with junk. Worst of all, there was a large split between the two halves of the house in the roof, and the brick wall on one side had completely pulled away from the roof! It COULD possibly be salvaged, but much of it would still have to be torn down and replaced. I’m often one for trying to save things. I love old homes; we live in one now. Yet I could see it would make more sense to just tear that place down and build a new one.

Many "free believers" have found that trying to salvage the situation at the institutions we’ve been in is more than we, or our families, can really afford. We gave them our time, our money, our efforts, our hearts, our children. We were told that we’d "reap a harvest" by "sowing" as they specified. It didn’t happen as they said. We became more and more tired, drained, and discouraged as time went on.

We sat under some of the better pastors out there, I believe. I really can’t pin the fault on anyone, nor do I want to. I believe the primary issue was with the system, rather than the hearts of the people inside of it. We were trying to build on, or even salvage, a ‘house’ with serious structural flaws.

Darin Hufford wrote a blog that distinguished what the bottom line misunderstanding often is. People tend to see the institution as the baby. That’s why they worry that we are throwing the baby out with the bath water. But really, Jesus is the ‘baby,’ and we aren’t throwing him out… he’s with us always. Now we’re just swimming in a different place ... now it’s more like a river than a bathtub.