After considerable discussion and prayer, my husband and I finally decided that when it came time for the parting discussion with the pastor, to try to be as peaceable as possible. This usually involves leaving out mentioning 95% of what's really going on when parting ways with someone. Maybe it was best this way.
Not wanting to bring the kids along and deal with potential emotional turmoil there, we decided it was best if my husband went alone to the meeting. He and I had decided beforehand that he would tell the pastor no more, but no less, than he pressed for about exactly why we were leaving. I wasn't surprised to hear that the pastor didn't press for information. We just deflected to the rather vague "God is telling us to move on" explanation. I wonder if God keeps track of how many times people have said that to get out of sticky situations they can no longer contend with.
But in a roundabout way, it's true. We can't live with the law-based, hellfire-and- condemnation laced sermons preached nearly every Sunday at this place. It's because the Holy Spirit has opened our eyes to the fact that this kind of talk is NOT our Father's heart toward us. No one can truly draw near to a God they're afraid of. And without drawing near to God, how can we hope for real sanctification?
The pastor accepted my husband's simple explanation without question and told us he was sorry to see us go, but that we are always welcome back. I know Jesus talks in the Bible about how he came not to bring peace but a sword, but did he mean a sword between brothers in the Lord who both love Him but have vastly different basic theology in many ways? There is no doubt, confusion is a far more effective weapon than black-and-white 'good guys' and 'bad guys.' Surely Jesus meant the sword between believers and unbelievers. But in my walk with Christ, virtually all of the contention, problematic relationships and outright alienation I've had to deal with have been with my brothers and sisters in Christ.
So even though I feel a bit disconcerted that a more honest and open discussion didn't take place, I also know that people tend not to hear things that don't agree with what they already think. They have to be really ready to hear something diabolocally opposed to their way of thinking. As many 'out of the box' journeyers have pointed out, really walking with Christ isn't about being 'right.' It's about being Love.
Perhaps at some point the Holy Spirit will arrange for a time for our paths to cross again with this pastor or with the people of this church group, and we can have more fruitful discussion. None of this is clear to me right now. I only wish that people could be totally honest with each other in difficult situations and something good would come of it, more often. It seems that rarely really happens though.
Situations like this leave me wondering about some of the same questions over and over again. Does love mean you speak up or remain quiet unless you feel compelled to tell the whole truth? Do people ever hear the truth about things they are blind to unless some 'bold' person comes along and lays it out for them? When does "love tells the truth" apply, and when does "love covers a multitude of sins" apply?
I welcome anyone's constructive thoughts on this situation.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
So am I Crazy?
Someone reading this blog might ask, is this woman crazy? I've already had a few comments directed at me since our time back in the building. "I would never go to a place like that. It doesn't sound healthy. I would get up and walk out in the middle of it. I wouldn't last five minutes there." etc.
If only life were that simple. If only life really was as black and white as people try to make it look, or as black and white as we would wish. (And if only there were as many other options available as we'd wish!)
While we've been at the building, even sitting through boring, dry Sunday school and thundering hellfire-laced admonishments from the pulpit, there have been good things. We have had somewhere to get up and go on Sundays as a family. We really needed something, after so long staying home by ourselves on weekends we were all getting stir crazy.
My daughter loves Sunday school. Her teacher has been so sweet to her. So have many of the other adults. While my boys aren't thrilled with the youth group, it has still given them something to do with people on Sundays and Wednesdays. They think it's worth going for the same reason my husband and I do - just being around people is a basic need being filled, if not in an optimal manner.
I have been privileged to indulge my love for senior citizens at this place. Watching old men hug my daughter reminds me of a time I can hardly remember when I was a little girl at church. Old ladies chase my teenage sons down and give them hugs.
Two dear ladies there always find me and get a hug. One is around 70, and always compliments what 'lovely' children I have and is so jovial and genuinely friendly. Another is about 4 feet tall and about 90 years old. She stands there hovering like a child near me until I turn around and see her and give her a hug. She peers up at me through thick glasses and says "I love you honey" in her tremory Texas accent. It truly breaks my heart to think of leaving these people behind.
We have no earthly extended family support in our lives and just for a few moments each week, we can pretend that we do have real family support. These people are our brothers and sisters, though we may not agree on some important issues. Before and after class and service, I can say howdy to people and hug them and experience a few moments of what it's like to have a feeling of belonging somewhere among other people besides my immediate family. This is something we all have a felt need for and the only place we know to find it is organized church.
There have been pot luck lunches at least once a month during the time we've been there. It has been such a blessing to sit and share home cooked meals with others and talk about kids and fishing and weather. I hadn't enjoyed a potluck lunch with homemade fried chicken and deviled eggs since I was a kid in church. We spent a couple of years at one church where the pastor thought pot lucks were an unspiritual waste of time. We spent several more years at church where no one wanted to be bothered with cooking and instead went out to eat at a restaurant together after church. Our family went home and ate sandwiches because we couldn't afford to go out and it's sure hard to have a conversation in a noisy restaurant anyway.
All these positives about this church outfit have been noted without even getting to my very mixed feelings about the pastor. We had known him for a while casually from another group and remembered how exceptionally kind he seemed. So when searching for an organized place to go, we decided to give his place a try. We never dreamed that he would preach the way he does. It's almost like someone else takes over when he gets up on stage.
At first, his preaching seemed okay. The sermons were louder than at all necessary, right from the start, but we figured that was so that all the elderly folks could hear him. But as the weeks went on, more things were said from the pulpit that caused raised eyebrows and distraught looks between me and my husband as we got in the car to go home. Things continued to get more heavy-handed and assaulting in tone, until we finally realized how badly we are NOT on the same page with this pastor on the Sunday he boldly and plainly preached about his views of "conditional salvation on your behavior and efforts."
My husband and I have spent no small amount of time since then praying and pondering what is going on with this pastor. For whatever reason, we believe it is no mistake that God brought our paths together again. We hadn't seen him in a while before starting to attend his 'church' and it is interesting how strongly we remembered our very positive dealings with him (in a different setting) from a while back. It's a long shot to think we were sent to him to open his eyes, but we plan on having a talk with him sometime soon to explain our viewpoints to him and see if we get anywhere.
This time back in this particular building has been a mini-education in fundamentalism. The time I spent in charismatic AOG-flavored settings exposed me to the Elijah-style prostrating before Baal type of 'worship.' They sort of shroud the 'conditional salvation' message in 'Satan will ruin you.' Watch out for Satan because he's a lot badder than God is good, and he's a lot more powerful than you are. So make sure you wake God up any time you're being attacked and call him down to help you, otherwise you're dead!
Fundamental Baptist style preaching seems to lean more toward "YOU will ruin you, because you are a sinner and you need to quit sinning or you will lose your place in heaven." Either way, you are presented with Eternal Insecurity in which you never know where you stand, so like a man in a desert, you have to keep coming back to them purchasing glasses of 'water' which ironically tend to leave you thirstier than you were before you started.
Even with all this insanity, I can see why people go to 'church' and I can see why they stay. In this place we've been, everyone has their friends there and are related to half the congregation. Especially in these parts, people wouldn't know what else to do with themselves. I'm sure there are people who feel the pinch of legalism, but know what's on the outside of it, just as I've walked through for nearly 3 years - a lot of time alone especially on the weekends.
I do understand that we've been brainwashed into thinking "we need fellowship" far more than is really necessary. But some people have lost (or would lose) ALL of their fellowship, indefinitely, without their 'church.' Teachers such as Wayne Jacobsen say that "Father will bring you the people in your life when he sees that you are ready." That's a nice idea but applied as a blanket statement, it's just another formula.
So, perhaps we're meant to be among the ones who are "in the building but not of the building." Now, it may be a matter of finding a more palatable building setting. We'll see.
If only life were that simple. If only life really was as black and white as people try to make it look, or as black and white as we would wish. (And if only there were as many other options available as we'd wish!)
While we've been at the building, even sitting through boring, dry Sunday school and thundering hellfire-laced admonishments from the pulpit, there have been good things. We have had somewhere to get up and go on Sundays as a family. We really needed something, after so long staying home by ourselves on weekends we were all getting stir crazy.
My daughter loves Sunday school. Her teacher has been so sweet to her. So have many of the other adults. While my boys aren't thrilled with the youth group, it has still given them something to do with people on Sundays and Wednesdays. They think it's worth going for the same reason my husband and I do - just being around people is a basic need being filled, if not in an optimal manner.
I have been privileged to indulge my love for senior citizens at this place. Watching old men hug my daughter reminds me of a time I can hardly remember when I was a little girl at church. Old ladies chase my teenage sons down and give them hugs.
Two dear ladies there always find me and get a hug. One is around 70, and always compliments what 'lovely' children I have and is so jovial and genuinely friendly. Another is about 4 feet tall and about 90 years old. She stands there hovering like a child near me until I turn around and see her and give her a hug. She peers up at me through thick glasses and says "I love you honey" in her tremory Texas accent. It truly breaks my heart to think of leaving these people behind.
We have no earthly extended family support in our lives and just for a few moments each week, we can pretend that we do have real family support. These people are our brothers and sisters, though we may not agree on some important issues. Before and after class and service, I can say howdy to people and hug them and experience a few moments of what it's like to have a feeling of belonging somewhere among other people besides my immediate family. This is something we all have a felt need for and the only place we know to find it is organized church.
There have been pot luck lunches at least once a month during the time we've been there. It has been such a blessing to sit and share home cooked meals with others and talk about kids and fishing and weather. I hadn't enjoyed a potluck lunch with homemade fried chicken and deviled eggs since I was a kid in church. We spent a couple of years at one church where the pastor thought pot lucks were an unspiritual waste of time. We spent several more years at church where no one wanted to be bothered with cooking and instead went out to eat at a restaurant together after church. Our family went home and ate sandwiches because we couldn't afford to go out and it's sure hard to have a conversation in a noisy restaurant anyway.
All these positives about this church outfit have been noted without even getting to my very mixed feelings about the pastor. We had known him for a while casually from another group and remembered how exceptionally kind he seemed. So when searching for an organized place to go, we decided to give his place a try. We never dreamed that he would preach the way he does. It's almost like someone else takes over when he gets up on stage.
At first, his preaching seemed okay. The sermons were louder than at all necessary, right from the start, but we figured that was so that all the elderly folks could hear him. But as the weeks went on, more things were said from the pulpit that caused raised eyebrows and distraught looks between me and my husband as we got in the car to go home. Things continued to get more heavy-handed and assaulting in tone, until we finally realized how badly we are NOT on the same page with this pastor on the Sunday he boldly and plainly preached about his views of "conditional salvation on your behavior and efforts."
My husband and I have spent no small amount of time since then praying and pondering what is going on with this pastor. For whatever reason, we believe it is no mistake that God brought our paths together again. We hadn't seen him in a while before starting to attend his 'church' and it is interesting how strongly we remembered our very positive dealings with him (in a different setting) from a while back. It's a long shot to think we were sent to him to open his eyes, but we plan on having a talk with him sometime soon to explain our viewpoints to him and see if we get anywhere.
This time back in this particular building has been a mini-education in fundamentalism. The time I spent in charismatic AOG-flavored settings exposed me to the Elijah-style prostrating before Baal type of 'worship.' They sort of shroud the 'conditional salvation' message in 'Satan will ruin you.' Watch out for Satan because he's a lot badder than God is good, and he's a lot more powerful than you are. So make sure you wake God up any time you're being attacked and call him down to help you, otherwise you're dead!
Fundamental Baptist style preaching seems to lean more toward "YOU will ruin you, because you are a sinner and you need to quit sinning or you will lose your place in heaven." Either way, you are presented with Eternal Insecurity in which you never know where you stand, so like a man in a desert, you have to keep coming back to them purchasing glasses of 'water' which ironically tend to leave you thirstier than you were before you started.
Even with all this insanity, I can see why people go to 'church' and I can see why they stay. In this place we've been, everyone has their friends there and are related to half the congregation. Especially in these parts, people wouldn't know what else to do with themselves. I'm sure there are people who feel the pinch of legalism, but know what's on the outside of it, just as I've walked through for nearly 3 years - a lot of time alone especially on the weekends.
I do understand that we've been brainwashed into thinking "we need fellowship" far more than is really necessary. But some people have lost (or would lose) ALL of their fellowship, indefinitely, without their 'church.' Teachers such as Wayne Jacobsen say that "Father will bring you the people in your life when he sees that you are ready." That's a nice idea but applied as a blanket statement, it's just another formula.
So, perhaps we're meant to be among the ones who are "in the building but not of the building." Now, it may be a matter of finding a more palatable building setting. We'll see.
Praise and Worship
We have had a couple of weeks of grace of not hearing the weekly admonishment from the pulpit to quit sinning, or else. We stayed home the second Sunday of the month. Yesterday there was a guest speaker who was much gentler and more positive than we've been used to hearing. It was mostly a variation on Spiritual Kindergarten 101 but at least it was a week of rest.
However, Sunday school was an experience to ponder since we're studying Henry Blackaby's "Experiencing God" workbook over the summer. I remember dumping my copy of the original Blackaby manual in the Goodwill bin long before we ever began seeking God 'out of the box' and now I can remember why. Years ago I was naiive enough to think that pouring my all into a workbook about God was how to know Him, but it never worked for me even then.
The SS class is set up like a grade school classroom. The teacher is up front, we sit in neat little rows of chairs. Answers are encouraged at teacher-directed moments, but only short answers. You get cut off if your answer takes more than about 2 sentences. The teachers are the only ones who expound on their opinions.
So yesterday we got a mini-lecture about people missing out on the abundant life because - you guessed it - they don't read their Bibles daily and "learn about God." Since in their minds, God apparently dwells primarily in flat black and white print when they can't access him on days the building isn't open, we'd better not miss our daily devotions. Using this logic, it seems I could just throw a manual at my kids when they have problems, questions or just want to spend time with me. I could just take a mini-vacation from parenting. For that matter, God could just make sure everyone had a Bible, then put heaven on autopilot and go on vacation too.
After the Bible admonishment we were told that we 'should' praise the Lord. We were told that praising the Lord is mentioned at least 200 times in Psalms so we better take note and praise away. Of course, the verse about how God inhabits our praises was mentioned (Psalm 22:3). Never mind that this no longer applies to us as New Covenant believers; God is now ever-present with us and no longer waits until we praise him to be here with us and for us. The truth is I don't even like the term 'praise' anymore, the way it's been used over and over in 'church' to beat people over the head.
While it's true that praising God still blesses us and blesses him, it is not as though he won't show up until we do - he has already inhabited our hearts. Denying this directly or indirectly puts us back in the position of slaves and servants instead of sons and daughters.
There was some talk of how blessed we are materially here in the US, but how spiritually lacking we tend to be. The logic was that if we are feeling neglected of God's spirit, it's our own fault for not reading our Bibles and praising him more. After all, look at all we have here in the U.S. We can go to church in safety and peace, we have nice homes, great food, clean water. No excuses for not praising, right?
If we are lacking in praise, why is this so? asked the teacher. As I opened my mouth to say "Because we don't really know God," several others chimed in with suggestions. Because we're stupid. Ungrateful. Self-centered. Distracted. Oh, okay. We're just not disciplined enough or smart enough to praise him. Kind of like a bunch of dumb Israelites bellyaching about the food in the desert. I sat shaking my head trembling with frustration as the teacher placidly said "Well we're out of time now, let's close in prayer."
I will say, if there are a bunch of Christians not praising the God who loves them... I agree there is something seriously wrong. Starting with how retarded we have gotten that we think some workbook program is going to do anything to fix it. We as the institutional church in America have made God out to look like a self-centered, egotistical tyrant, then we beat people up for not praising him enough. Okay. Praise God that Sunday school really only lasts less than an hour. There.
On another note, the pastor at least took a step in the right direction yesterday to try to get people to come to Sunday evening service. Since the guest speaker had taken his usual Sunday morning time to warn us of hellfire, he tried a different approach. He first asked us to ask ourselves, in our hearts, if we really want to please God. He then urged us to ask God what he wants us to do, if we really do indeed want to please him. Then we were reminded again, Six o'clock. The logic seemed to be, I'll give you people a little leash room to ask God yourselves what he wants you to do, but since I'm the pastor, I already know the answer. If you're serious about him and really want to please him, you'll be here at six o'clock. Well, I was home getting the grill ready for burgers at six o'clock last night and was so tired and sad from the morning that I couldn't even think of going anywhere, let alone back to the building for another lecture.
There's no real point to this blog. I know most people who read this think I'm crazy for even being there. Maybe I am, and barring a miracle we won't be there much longer. I'm just sad and confused; life isn't all black and white. More about that in my next blog. Meanwhile, Jesus held me close as I cried in great sadness yesterday during service, the turmoil in my heart known fully only by him. I leaned my head on his shoulder and just cried. This was my worship yesterday. It surely wasn't good enough for anyone else, but I believe it was good enough for him.
However, Sunday school was an experience to ponder since we're studying Henry Blackaby's "Experiencing God" workbook over the summer. I remember dumping my copy of the original Blackaby manual in the Goodwill bin long before we ever began seeking God 'out of the box' and now I can remember why. Years ago I was naiive enough to think that pouring my all into a workbook about God was how to know Him, but it never worked for me even then.
The SS class is set up like a grade school classroom. The teacher is up front, we sit in neat little rows of chairs. Answers are encouraged at teacher-directed moments, but only short answers. You get cut off if your answer takes more than about 2 sentences. The teachers are the only ones who expound on their opinions.
So yesterday we got a mini-lecture about people missing out on the abundant life because - you guessed it - they don't read their Bibles daily and "learn about God." Since in their minds, God apparently dwells primarily in flat black and white print when they can't access him on days the building isn't open, we'd better not miss our daily devotions. Using this logic, it seems I could just throw a manual at my kids when they have problems, questions or just want to spend time with me. I could just take a mini-vacation from parenting. For that matter, God could just make sure everyone had a Bible, then put heaven on autopilot and go on vacation too.
After the Bible admonishment we were told that we 'should' praise the Lord. We were told that praising the Lord is mentioned at least 200 times in Psalms so we better take note and praise away. Of course, the verse about how God inhabits our praises was mentioned (Psalm 22:3). Never mind that this no longer applies to us as New Covenant believers; God is now ever-present with us and no longer waits until we praise him to be here with us and for us. The truth is I don't even like the term 'praise' anymore, the way it's been used over and over in 'church' to beat people over the head.
While it's true that praising God still blesses us and blesses him, it is not as though he won't show up until we do - he has already inhabited our hearts. Denying this directly or indirectly puts us back in the position of slaves and servants instead of sons and daughters.
There was some talk of how blessed we are materially here in the US, but how spiritually lacking we tend to be. The logic was that if we are feeling neglected of God's spirit, it's our own fault for not reading our Bibles and praising him more. After all, look at all we have here in the U.S. We can go to church in safety and peace, we have nice homes, great food, clean water. No excuses for not praising, right?
If we are lacking in praise, why is this so? asked the teacher. As I opened my mouth to say "Because we don't really know God," several others chimed in with suggestions. Because we're stupid. Ungrateful. Self-centered. Distracted. Oh, okay. We're just not disciplined enough or smart enough to praise him. Kind of like a bunch of dumb Israelites bellyaching about the food in the desert. I sat shaking my head trembling with frustration as the teacher placidly said "Well we're out of time now, let's close in prayer."
I will say, if there are a bunch of Christians not praising the God who loves them... I agree there is something seriously wrong. Starting with how retarded we have gotten that we think some workbook program is going to do anything to fix it. We as the institutional church in America have made God out to look like a self-centered, egotistical tyrant, then we beat people up for not praising him enough. Okay. Praise God that Sunday school really only lasts less than an hour. There.
On another note, the pastor at least took a step in the right direction yesterday to try to get people to come to Sunday evening service. Since the guest speaker had taken his usual Sunday morning time to warn us of hellfire, he tried a different approach. He first asked us to ask ourselves, in our hearts, if we really want to please God. He then urged us to ask God what he wants us to do, if we really do indeed want to please him. Then we were reminded again, Six o'clock. The logic seemed to be, I'll give you people a little leash room to ask God yourselves what he wants you to do, but since I'm the pastor, I already know the answer. If you're serious about him and really want to please him, you'll be here at six o'clock. Well, I was home getting the grill ready for burgers at six o'clock last night and was so tired and sad from the morning that I couldn't even think of going anywhere, let alone back to the building for another lecture.
There's no real point to this blog. I know most people who read this think I'm crazy for even being there. Maybe I am, and barring a miracle we won't be there much longer. I'm just sad and confused; life isn't all black and white. More about that in my next blog. Meanwhile, Jesus held me close as I cried in great sadness yesterday during service, the turmoil in my heart known fully only by him. I leaned my head on his shoulder and just cried. This was my worship yesterday. It surely wasn't good enough for anyone else, but I believe it was good enough for him.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sin focus... or God focus?
During our time back in the building, I have again been amazed (not in a good way) at how pastors can take a couple of verses out of the Bible and basically make them say anything they want them to say. Usually the end result leaves you feeling considerably less than helped or encouraged.
Yesterday we were given Hebrews 3:12-13, as an opening warning of the deceitfulness of sin. We were then taken to Matthew 7:21-23, a passage we've all heard many times. Jesus tells of the many who will say to him, Lord did we not do this-that-and-the-other in your name? And he will say, Depart from me, you evildoers, for I never knew you.
Based on these two passages, the pastor then proceeded to thunderously lecture us for the next 45 minutes on how our own sin could keep us out of heaven. We were warned that if we have a sin in our life that we're holding onto, we'd better get it out of our life, or else, we will be among those who Jesus turns away at the gate.
Messages like this leave the listener with the feeling that Jesus mainly came to earth to shove the law down our throat, rather than fulfill it himself. I can almost picture a colossal Father (like a giant version of my earthly father) saying to his Son, "Those stupid idiots just aren't getting it. I gave them the rules but they're still sinning. Now go down there and take care of it. I'm gonna show them in gory detail just how pissed off I am about this sin business, and what kind of awfulness will happen to THEM if they don't knock it off!" Thus we have an endless array of gory descriptions of the Cross in sermons, books and movies.
I spent the sermon time trying to read grace passages in proper context such as Romans 6 and 8, but it was hard to tune out the thundering admonishments. When I saw the pastor look around speculatively at the audience and emphasize that the Matthew passage says MANY will be turned away, I stopped reading and listened with a mixture of disgust, sadness and yes, fear.
"Most people won't make it. Will all of us in this sanctuary be there? I don't know. I hope so. A lot of people go to church, and do good things, and teach Sunday school... but many will still be turned away." It's amazing how the enemy works. A coctail of mixed truth and lies is far more potent than just straight lies.
It's true that works won't save us, yet this pastor regularly teaches that we have to work to keep ourselves saved.. I also think it's true that many religious appearing folks won't be in heaven. It's also true that sin is deceitful and can even ruin our lives. But to threaten a group of people trying their best to follow and know God with loss of heaven for their sins... that is saying Jesus came and died... just to show us we might be next if we don't shape up?
First of all, the Hebrews passage says not to be deceived by sin, because sin is deceiving. Period. If you keep reading into chapter 4, the importance of entering into REST (from our own works in effort to save ourselves) is discussed.
Second, Jesus said that MANY will be turned away on the day. He didn't say "MOST." I was able to talk to my friend Darin who pointed out Colossians 2: 13-15 where it describes Jesus' overwhelming triumph on the cross; he made a "public spectacle" of evil powers and authorities. I will paraphrase an allegory told to me by Darin:
If a family with 20 kids had a psycho-murderer break into the house, and the murderer killed 18 of the children before the father could stop the murderer and kill him, the father's role in the incident wouldn't be remembered as having made a "public spectacle" of the murderer. It would be more of a "well, at least two were saved" but what would the people hearing the story on the news remember? The two saved or the eighteen dead? Not too much of a triumph. In this case, it would sound like the enemy made far more of a public spectacle than the loving father. Just some food for thought.
I am really getting disgusted. I realize we are going to have to look for somewhere else to go 'to church.' I have no idea where we COULD go that the power of the cross will be acknowledged fully. But my conscience will not allow me to silently condone hearing the power of the cross nullified week after week.
I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing! - Galatians 2:21
Yesterday we were given Hebrews 3:12-13, as an opening warning of the deceitfulness of sin. We were then taken to Matthew 7:21-23, a passage we've all heard many times. Jesus tells of the many who will say to him, Lord did we not do this-that-and-the-other in your name? And he will say, Depart from me, you evildoers, for I never knew you.
Based on these two passages, the pastor then proceeded to thunderously lecture us for the next 45 minutes on how our own sin could keep us out of heaven. We were warned that if we have a sin in our life that we're holding onto, we'd better get it out of our life, or else, we will be among those who Jesus turns away at the gate.
Messages like this leave the listener with the feeling that Jesus mainly came to earth to shove the law down our throat, rather than fulfill it himself. I can almost picture a colossal Father (like a giant version of my earthly father) saying to his Son, "Those stupid idiots just aren't getting it. I gave them the rules but they're still sinning. Now go down there and take care of it. I'm gonna show them in gory detail just how pissed off I am about this sin business, and what kind of awfulness will happen to THEM if they don't knock it off!" Thus we have an endless array of gory descriptions of the Cross in sermons, books and movies.
I spent the sermon time trying to read grace passages in proper context such as Romans 6 and 8, but it was hard to tune out the thundering admonishments. When I saw the pastor look around speculatively at the audience and emphasize that the Matthew passage says MANY will be turned away, I stopped reading and listened with a mixture of disgust, sadness and yes, fear.
"Most people won't make it. Will all of us in this sanctuary be there? I don't know. I hope so. A lot of people go to church, and do good things, and teach Sunday school... but many will still be turned away." It's amazing how the enemy works. A coctail of mixed truth and lies is far more potent than just straight lies.
It's true that works won't save us, yet this pastor regularly teaches that we have to work to keep ourselves saved.. I also think it's true that many religious appearing folks won't be in heaven. It's also true that sin is deceitful and can even ruin our lives. But to threaten a group of people trying their best to follow and know God with loss of heaven for their sins... that is saying Jesus came and died... just to show us we might be next if we don't shape up?
First of all, the Hebrews passage says not to be deceived by sin, because sin is deceiving. Period. If you keep reading into chapter 4, the importance of entering into REST (from our own works in effort to save ourselves) is discussed.
Second, Jesus said that MANY will be turned away on the day. He didn't say "MOST." I was able to talk to my friend Darin who pointed out Colossians 2: 13-15 where it describes Jesus' overwhelming triumph on the cross; he made a "public spectacle" of evil powers and authorities. I will paraphrase an allegory told to me by Darin:
If a family with 20 kids had a psycho-murderer break into the house, and the murderer killed 18 of the children before the father could stop the murderer and kill him, the father's role in the incident wouldn't be remembered as having made a "public spectacle" of the murderer. It would be more of a "well, at least two were saved" but what would the people hearing the story on the news remember? The two saved or the eighteen dead? Not too much of a triumph. In this case, it would sound like the enemy made far more of a public spectacle than the loving father. Just some food for thought.
I am really getting disgusted. I realize we are going to have to look for somewhere else to go 'to church.' I have no idea where we COULD go that the power of the cross will be acknowledged fully. But my conscience will not allow me to silently condone hearing the power of the cross nullified week after week.
I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing! - Galatians 2:21
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Burning Hearts
They asked each other, "Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?" Luke 24:32
This scripture was given to open yesterday's sermon in the building. It seems that the pastor's key phrase for this season is going to be "fire," or more specifically, "holy fire." We were warned after the Oklahoma campmeeting of what supposedly might happen to us as a result of not keeping the fire going (loss of salvation). Obviously the pastor has more to say on this theme. So do I.
The pastor made some true points. Today's American Christians are, overall, a pretty lukewarm bunch of people. The pastor seems to jump to the conclusion that this is because of laziness, being fleshly, wanting the pleasures of material things more than we want God. I believe this is addressing the symptoms of a people who have never truly walked closely with the living God, rather than the heart issues.
I am going to provide a series of contrasting thoughts and images to give an idea of what was said yesterday (and what I've heard repeated over and over in most of organized Christiandom) with things that are burning in my own heart.
Sunday school and church seemed to be running on parallel tracks. Several key words and phrases were used at least half a dozen times apiece: we must be willing to (fill in the blank), we ought to, we should, we need to, we must, we better be, we need to be.
I hate flying. I get airsick and claustrophobic. But if I get to see my friends, where we can build each other up and be ourselves without fear of failure or criticism, it's worth it. I carry their smiling faces and kind words in my heart. No one will ever have to tell me I 'should' fellowship with them. Through them I feel God's love like warm sunshine. You can't "better be" love or any of its expressions. Nor can you infuse it with guilt, obligation or shame to give it life.
"This week's assignment is to answer this question honestly in your notebook. Do you love God with all your heart, all your soul and all your strength, as God commanded the people in Deuteronomy? Three boxes to check: yes, no, or maybe." The Sunday school teacher looked at the quiet class and said, "Any questions or comments? No? Well, you all have been good listeners today." With a pleasant smile and a closing prayer, class was closed.
I try to understand what a day by day, close, healthy, loving, protective, strengthening relationship with a face-to-face brother would look like. I have no frame of reference, other than stories I've heard from others. I can only imagine Mary on the third day, crying and babbling in shocked amazement and joy, while clinging to Jesus for dear life, probably shaking him back and forth like a rag doll. Does anyone think anyone but Jesus himself could have persuaded her to let go of his robe? If anyone had asked her to check a box saying 'yes,' 'no,' or 'maybe' to whether she loved Him, she might have responded, "Are you freaking kidding me?"
The pastor's stated goal in yesterday's sermon was to have us all "get on fire for God." We were also informed that "Christianity is meant to be a religion of flaming hearts." His frustration at our seeming lack of flaming hearts was causing him to get quite worked up. In a few short minutes, we watched a red-faced, sweating preacher shuck his suit jacket so he wouldn't pass out behind the pulpit. Freed from the extra layer of clothing, he found the strength to continue to shout and gesture excitedly for the next several minutes. He informed us that he knows he tends to repeat himself, but that if he says it enough times, he hopes that maybe around the 10th time it will actually get through!
Somehow, I thought the purpose of Jesus' death and resurrection was supposed to set us free from religion altogether and bring us this amazing, abiding relationship of Love like we'd never imagined. One thing that has never, ever worked for me in any relationship of any kind, no matter whether the person means well, is being shouted at. I still remember my earthly father shouting at me in anger. I also remember the physical abuse that often followed. I shut down like a bank vault when people raise their voices at me. Can't we as parents usually see the futility of shouting at or scolding our children? Sometimes they will do what we've asked just to get us to shut up, but it won't bring our hearts any closer. It's a good thing the Holy Spirit tends to speak in a soul-stirring whisper.
The pastor had made a number of good points, including the lukewarm state of the American church at large, the uselessness of a watered-down gospel, and the fact that the devil has used religion to make people miss out on God (although the irony of this last remark was not lost on me). So far, though, he had gotten through almost an entire sermon without totally sticking in the dagger. This was about to change in the next few seconds.
A few years ago, I sat in my back yard, reading a chapter of Jim Palmer's "Divine Nobodies." I was in tears over an especially touching and poignant essay about Jim's gay friend Richard. Richard had been looking for God in so many places, from church houses to gay bars. I asked Jesus, where do I go to find you? I have the same question! And he answered me gently, right here. Right here.
This business of his flock not making head count in the pen for Sunday evening service really is bothering the pastor. A firm admonishment toward those "not serious enough for God" was given, namely, those not in attendance for Sunday evening and Wednesday evening services. It was suggested that we're just too fleshly. Probably, we're off going to the movies, drinking, or somehow pursuing something else of "the world." We don't want to be inconvenienced to make a sacrifice, said he. Seemingly this passionate, irritated rant was fueled by the underlying belief that God still dwells primarily in the building, and there must we go to worship Him.
I wrote in my journal, The law brings death but the Spirit gives Life! Must we try to make 'church attendance' into a law to get people to come?
The pastor said, "I'll close now" and I seriously doubt I was the only one thinking, Hallelujuah! His closing statement (paraphrased) was one of those take-this-one-home-while-you-try-to-enjoy-your-Sunday-laziness clinchers: "There are two kinds of fire, holy fire and the other kind. Everyone will face fire, either the holy kind that cleanses them from all their sins, or the kind that is the fire of eternal torment."
Thanks for coming everybody! Have a nice afternoon! The alter began to fill up with folks repentant of being lukewarm for God.
Please Jesus... I grasped for his face, his shirt. Please, I need you. The real you. I want, I NEED to know you, ever more, always. Almost immediately I sensed His precious face near mine, kissing me ever so gently. I closed my eyes and breathed in his presence. Just basking in his love, clinging to him. Why, oh why do Christian preachers feel the need to threaten their flock, saved people, your own children, with hellfire? It's okay, said he. It's okay. I'm here.
And so was another morning of some form of Spiritual Kindergarten 101. Must must must. Mustn't mustn't mustn't. We'll give you a few chances to straighten up, and if you don't, guess what? You'll get an eternity of spankings! A spanking that lasts for-e-ver! I didn't hear a significant statement about how very much God loves us and how widespread his Grace is all morning. I guess they think fear and guilt are better motivators. Needless to say, we didn't attend the Sunday evening service. I wonder if his sermon worked on anybody else.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. - 1 John 4:18
I hadn't heard or thought of this song in ages but it popped into my head as the sermon was ending. I think it's perfect for this subject.
This scripture was given to open yesterday's sermon in the building. It seems that the pastor's key phrase for this season is going to be "fire," or more specifically, "holy fire." We were warned after the Oklahoma campmeeting of what supposedly might happen to us as a result of not keeping the fire going (loss of salvation). Obviously the pastor has more to say on this theme. So do I.
The pastor made some true points. Today's American Christians are, overall, a pretty lukewarm bunch of people. The pastor seems to jump to the conclusion that this is because of laziness, being fleshly, wanting the pleasures of material things more than we want God. I believe this is addressing the symptoms of a people who have never truly walked closely with the living God, rather than the heart issues.
I am going to provide a series of contrasting thoughts and images to give an idea of what was said yesterday (and what I've heard repeated over and over in most of organized Christiandom) with things that are burning in my own heart.
Sunday school and church seemed to be running on parallel tracks. Several key words and phrases were used at least half a dozen times apiece: we must be willing to (fill in the blank), we ought to, we should, we need to, we must, we better be, we need to be.
I hate flying. I get airsick and claustrophobic. But if I get to see my friends, where we can build each other up and be ourselves without fear of failure or criticism, it's worth it. I carry their smiling faces and kind words in my heart. No one will ever have to tell me I 'should' fellowship with them. Through them I feel God's love like warm sunshine. You can't "better be" love or any of its expressions. Nor can you infuse it with guilt, obligation or shame to give it life.
"This week's assignment is to answer this question honestly in your notebook. Do you love God with all your heart, all your soul and all your strength, as God commanded the people in Deuteronomy? Three boxes to check: yes, no, or maybe." The Sunday school teacher looked at the quiet class and said, "Any questions or comments? No? Well, you all have been good listeners today." With a pleasant smile and a closing prayer, class was closed.
I try to understand what a day by day, close, healthy, loving, protective, strengthening relationship with a face-to-face brother would look like. I have no frame of reference, other than stories I've heard from others. I can only imagine Mary on the third day, crying and babbling in shocked amazement and joy, while clinging to Jesus for dear life, probably shaking him back and forth like a rag doll. Does anyone think anyone but Jesus himself could have persuaded her to let go of his robe? If anyone had asked her to check a box saying 'yes,' 'no,' or 'maybe' to whether she loved Him, she might have responded, "Are you freaking kidding me?"
The pastor's stated goal in yesterday's sermon was to have us all "get on fire for God." We were also informed that "Christianity is meant to be a religion of flaming hearts." His frustration at our seeming lack of flaming hearts was causing him to get quite worked up. In a few short minutes, we watched a red-faced, sweating preacher shuck his suit jacket so he wouldn't pass out behind the pulpit. Freed from the extra layer of clothing, he found the strength to continue to shout and gesture excitedly for the next several minutes. He informed us that he knows he tends to repeat himself, but that if he says it enough times, he hopes that maybe around the 10th time it will actually get through!
Somehow, I thought the purpose of Jesus' death and resurrection was supposed to set us free from religion altogether and bring us this amazing, abiding relationship of Love like we'd never imagined. One thing that has never, ever worked for me in any relationship of any kind, no matter whether the person means well, is being shouted at. I still remember my earthly father shouting at me in anger. I also remember the physical abuse that often followed. I shut down like a bank vault when people raise their voices at me. Can't we as parents usually see the futility of shouting at or scolding our children? Sometimes they will do what we've asked just to get us to shut up, but it won't bring our hearts any closer. It's a good thing the Holy Spirit tends to speak in a soul-stirring whisper.
The pastor had made a number of good points, including the lukewarm state of the American church at large, the uselessness of a watered-down gospel, and the fact that the devil has used religion to make people miss out on God (although the irony of this last remark was not lost on me). So far, though, he had gotten through almost an entire sermon without totally sticking in the dagger. This was about to change in the next few seconds.
A few years ago, I sat in my back yard, reading a chapter of Jim Palmer's "Divine Nobodies." I was in tears over an especially touching and poignant essay about Jim's gay friend Richard. Richard had been looking for God in so many places, from church houses to gay bars. I asked Jesus, where do I go to find you? I have the same question! And he answered me gently, right here. Right here.
This business of his flock not making head count in the pen for Sunday evening service really is bothering the pastor. A firm admonishment toward those "not serious enough for God" was given, namely, those not in attendance for Sunday evening and Wednesday evening services. It was suggested that we're just too fleshly. Probably, we're off going to the movies, drinking, or somehow pursuing something else of "the world." We don't want to be inconvenienced to make a sacrifice, said he. Seemingly this passionate, irritated rant was fueled by the underlying belief that God still dwells primarily in the building, and there must we go to worship Him.
I wrote in my journal, The law brings death but the Spirit gives Life! Must we try to make 'church attendance' into a law to get people to come?
The pastor said, "I'll close now" and I seriously doubt I was the only one thinking, Hallelujuah! His closing statement (paraphrased) was one of those take-this-one-home-while-you-try-to-enjoy-your-Sunday-laziness clinchers: "There are two kinds of fire, holy fire and the other kind. Everyone will face fire, either the holy kind that cleanses them from all their sins, or the kind that is the fire of eternal torment."
Thanks for coming everybody! Have a nice afternoon! The alter began to fill up with folks repentant of being lukewarm for God.
Please Jesus... I grasped for his face, his shirt. Please, I need you. The real you. I want, I NEED to know you, ever more, always. Almost immediately I sensed His precious face near mine, kissing me ever so gently. I closed my eyes and breathed in his presence. Just basking in his love, clinging to him. Why, oh why do Christian preachers feel the need to threaten their flock, saved people, your own children, with hellfire? It's okay, said he. It's okay. I'm here.
And so was another morning of some form of Spiritual Kindergarten 101. Must must must. Mustn't mustn't mustn't. We'll give you a few chances to straighten up, and if you don't, guess what? You'll get an eternity of spankings! A spanking that lasts for-e-ver! I didn't hear a significant statement about how very much God loves us and how widespread his Grace is all morning. I guess they think fear and guilt are better motivators. Needless to say, we didn't attend the Sunday evening service. I wonder if his sermon worked on anybody else.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. - 1 John 4:18
I hadn't heard or thought of this song in ages but it popped into my head as the sermon was ending. I think it's perfect for this subject.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Hello Spokane
My butt was cramped and my back was tired from sitting in the narrow airplane seat for so long. As the evening wore on, my eyelids grew heavier with sleep but I resisted the urge. My tiny "in flight beverage" cup was empty again, and I gave up trying to flag down the busy flight attendant for more water even though I was thirsty. The airplane smelled like B.O, which didn't help my tummy, already off kilter from a combination of airsickness and hunger.
Finally, the magic words that made it all worth it came over the intercom. The pilot reminded us to remain seated until the aircraft had completely stopped, gave us a weather report, thanked us for flying Southwest, and said, "Welcome to Spokane."
I could hardly wait for the pokey people in front of me gathering all their stuff to move out of my way as I wiggled in impatience to walk off the airplane. But a few minutes later, I was hugging my pajama-clad friends as we exchanged tired but happy smiles. It had been over a year since we had last seen each other, but they looked exactly the same - beautiful.
It is so good to spend a precious few days around people you can just be yourself with. No religious posturing, no feeling of having to hide our true selves, no need to cover up our incomplete or hurting areas for fear of religious admonishment. We were there to just breathe in each other's company. Sometimes, the conversation naturally drifted to God, other times, we talked about a variety of other things.
I think the sad thing is when people feel the need to draw a sharp line between "things of God" and "things of the world." Many Christians I know are obsessed with "worldy vs. spiritual." Many people would say that since we didn't pull out our Bibles for a group study, the entire weekend was an unspiritual waste of time.
I know that all three of us needed each other's encouragement, each other's thoughts, each other's company. Just knowing I have sisters who I love and who love me gives me enough courage and edification to go another whole year without seeing them, if necessary. And it may be that long and then some, since we all live so far apart.
I know that God was there with us, and in us, as we (*gasp*!) tasted wine together at a winery, and as we sat together eating huckleberry ice cream and talking about child birth, and as we had a loud conversation by the lake that drew the attention of a few people around us. (The conversation was about the wrong of beating people over the head with the Bible).
I know that God was with us when Kim got sick, when Kirsten encountered a troubling situation, when I argued with my husband over the phone. I know God was with us when we had to say goodbye and remind each other that we love one another. Leaving Kirsten at the airport was hard. I managed not to cry, but I felt like I had so much more that I wanted us to talk about while I was there. But the time was gone.
I had the same poignant mixture of happy and sad feelings as I hugged Kim goodbye, crying, in the narrow aisle of the airplane as I left to go board my connecting flight to Dallas. I knew this time I was on my own, both friends were to be left hundreds of miles behind on the west coast. But I know we will see each other again, because we love one another and are spiritually connected, no matter how many miles separate us.
This morning as I sat through another admonishment from the preacher (it seems that some folks' lack of attendance on Sunday evening and Wednesday evening is really sticking in his craw) I thought about Kirsten and I in gales of laughter over a silly YouTube video, and Kim and I eagerly peering out the airplane windows together at the snow-capped mountains. No one would have to admonish me to be sure and spend time with Kirsten and Kim, because well if I don't, my sincerity for God is in question. Please. I spend time with them because I love them and I experience Father's love for me far more with them than I do through a hundred typical church meetings in the building, with the mostly surface level chit chat and admonishments to try harder to please God.
Thank you Lord, for showing me that walking with you really is about a truly abiding relationship rooted and grounded in Love, with you and with my fellow saints. However that may look. I just hope that someday, you will open doors for abiding relationships with the people I see around me in my daily life as well.
"Hello Seattle" was the closest song I could find to my blog title "Hello Spokane," but I thought the lyrics fit my experience pretty well.
Finally, the magic words that made it all worth it came over the intercom. The pilot reminded us to remain seated until the aircraft had completely stopped, gave us a weather report, thanked us for flying Southwest, and said, "Welcome to Spokane."
I could hardly wait for the pokey people in front of me gathering all their stuff to move out of my way as I wiggled in impatience to walk off the airplane. But a few minutes later, I was hugging my pajama-clad friends as we exchanged tired but happy smiles. It had been over a year since we had last seen each other, but they looked exactly the same - beautiful.
It is so good to spend a precious few days around people you can just be yourself with. No religious posturing, no feeling of having to hide our true selves, no need to cover up our incomplete or hurting areas for fear of religious admonishment. We were there to just breathe in each other's company. Sometimes, the conversation naturally drifted to God, other times, we talked about a variety of other things.
I think the sad thing is when people feel the need to draw a sharp line between "things of God" and "things of the world." Many Christians I know are obsessed with "worldy vs. spiritual." Many people would say that since we didn't pull out our Bibles for a group study, the entire weekend was an unspiritual waste of time.
I know that all three of us needed each other's encouragement, each other's thoughts, each other's company. Just knowing I have sisters who I love and who love me gives me enough courage and edification to go another whole year without seeing them, if necessary. And it may be that long and then some, since we all live so far apart.
I know that God was there with us, and in us, as we (*gasp*!) tasted wine together at a winery, and as we sat together eating huckleberry ice cream and talking about child birth, and as we had a loud conversation by the lake that drew the attention of a few people around us. (The conversation was about the wrong of beating people over the head with the Bible).
I know that God was with us when Kim got sick, when Kirsten encountered a troubling situation, when I argued with my husband over the phone. I know God was with us when we had to say goodbye and remind each other that we love one another. Leaving Kirsten at the airport was hard. I managed not to cry, but I felt like I had so much more that I wanted us to talk about while I was there. But the time was gone.
I had the same poignant mixture of happy and sad feelings as I hugged Kim goodbye, crying, in the narrow aisle of the airplane as I left to go board my connecting flight to Dallas. I knew this time I was on my own, both friends were to be left hundreds of miles behind on the west coast. But I know we will see each other again, because we love one another and are spiritually connected, no matter how many miles separate us.
This morning as I sat through another admonishment from the preacher (it seems that some folks' lack of attendance on Sunday evening and Wednesday evening is really sticking in his craw) I thought about Kirsten and I in gales of laughter over a silly YouTube video, and Kim and I eagerly peering out the airplane windows together at the snow-capped mountains. No one would have to admonish me to be sure and spend time with Kirsten and Kim, because well if I don't, my sincerity for God is in question. Please. I spend time with them because I love them and I experience Father's love for me far more with them than I do through a hundred typical church meetings in the building, with the mostly surface level chit chat and admonishments to try harder to please God.
Thank you Lord, for showing me that walking with you really is about a truly abiding relationship rooted and grounded in Love, with you and with my fellow saints. However that may look. I just hope that someday, you will open doors for abiding relationships with the people I see around me in my daily life as well.
"Hello Seattle" was the closest song I could find to my blog title "Hello Spokane," but I thought the lyrics fit my experience pretty well.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Eternal Insecurity
The delayed posting of this blog is because of a busy schedule and a computer meltdown. However, it is the cherry on top of the 'hot fudge sundae' of the campmeeting I described in my last blog.
Rather predictably, the pastor of the place we attend gave a sermon on making sure we don't lose our 'fire' after such an experience of this camp meeting. A friend recently commented to me on memories of her own youth camps; she remembers her pastor saying the same thing after those meetings in her youth. She also remarked that fire is an emergency or at least high stress state not meant to be sustained for long periods - it's too stressful and will burn us out (or burn us up!)
The worst part of the sermon was that the pastor then took a passage out of Luke 10 where Jesus tells a parable of a man who built bigger barns to store all his 'stuff' and turned it into a warning lecture to make sure we don't 'slack off' spiritually and become lazy. According to the pastor, it matters not if you're tired from 4 days of a campmeeting (or anything else) because no 'spiritual vacations' are allowed for God's people. You have to make sure to study your Bible without fail, and keep following after God, and not sin, and... and... or else, well, you might not make it to heaven. He flat out stated that he believes salvation is conditional on these things.
There are so many problems I have with this theology that I hardly know where to begin. But I will just state here that it is a relationship killer. As "The God's Honest Truth" states and elaborates on, security that is not eternal is really no security at all. While it's true that sanctification is a very necessary part of salvation, eternal insecurity theology is spiritually paralyzing. It's like if I told my kids I'll love them forever, but if they don't make their beds and do their homework every day, I'll douse them with gasoline and light them on fire. This might motivate them to be a lot more punctual with their responsibilities, but it will ensure that I never have their heart. And without our hearts being closely joined their growth and well being will be stunted, at best.
Once people swallow this idea of eternal insecurity, they're set up to 'need' church as we know it for as long as they believe it. They never can know for sure where they really stand with God, so it's better to be safe than sorry. Following someone else's lead who seems to know more and be elevated above them (read: the pastor) and do what they're told, when they're told to do it (read their Bible daily, show up to the building when told) gives people a sense of security they so badly need. If you can't count on God or on yourself, you've got to count on something.
It's one thing to get out of the institution and read lots of good material explaining so well those sick feelings you had all along of something being wrong. It's another thing to go back and see it all again after your eyes have been opened.
What is most baffling of all is how happy most people seem with such theology. Like a bunch of drug addicts, they haven't learned to see it as a poisonous substance. I heard several loud proclamations as we left the sanctuary of what a great sermon that was.
As for me, the eternal insecurity message was like a noxious fume bomb had been set off in the sanctuary. My gas mask was my open Bible, where I read over and over, "He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy..."
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