My thoughts on "Bo's Cafe"

I have mixed feelings about this book; that's not to say I didn't like it, but still I will share some thoughts that I hope someone will benefit from.

In some ways this book reminded me so much of "So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore" that I had to pinch myself and remind myself it was a different book. It was kind of like eating a casserole made with Thanksgiving leftovers - tasty, while at the same time you feel like you've eaten this before.

I also had to remind myself several times that this is a work of Fiction - like a movie, where things are so nicely resolved in an unnaturally short time span. I remember the movie "Facing the Giants" which had the same producer as "Firewall" and "Flywheel." I've heard several free-believing Christians say they didn't like these movies because they were canned and unrealistic. I'm actually having some similar feelings about some of the 'out of the box' Christian novels I've read, even though I do enjoy them to some degree.

I actually liked "Facing the Giants." I took it at face value as a nice feel-good escape from reality, a movie that was safe to watch with my kids. Not one that I would look to as encouragement for difficult situations in my own life really. My feelings about "Bo's Cafe" are rather similar.

For anyone who hasn't already read it, "Bo's Cafe" is the story of a man named Stephen who has some serious relational issues. He carries unresolved anger and a sense of underlying shame that frequently spill over onto his co-workers and his family. Things blow up when he gets into a huge fight with his wife; she kicks him out and he moves into a hotel.

By this time, a mysterious friend named Andy has shown up in his life, who knew Stephen's dad and has seen Stephen around for years, riding his company's yacht from the pier where Andy works. Andy takes him under his wing and introduces him to a group of his friends who meet each Thursday at - you guessed it, Bo's Cafe. Nine months later, things are amazingly better in Stephen's life. In a safe group of friends, he has found validation, healing, transformation, and wouldn't you know it, even a great new church. It just so happens that one of the folks at Bo's is a pastor and now Stephen and his family are enjoying a wonderful place that is good for them all.

I can't fault these guys for writing the book. They make their points well in the conversations that transpire between Stephen, Andy, and the rest of the gang. They do a good job of exposing the real problems in people's hearts and the various ways that we attempt to hide and compensate for them.

I just wish they hadn't wrapped things up all nice and neat in such a short time, and a relatively short book. Again, it seemed a lot like the nice feel-good but not-so-realistic Christian movies that I've heard complaints about. The reality is, things just don't happen this way for most people.

I know I'm not alone in saying that I've struggled for years in my search for real community. I've never in my life witnessed anyone acting as badly as Stephen and still had real friends stick by and help him through. My experience has been that people often run like rabbits when you unpack the rough, raw stuff. They can't or don't want to walk through it with you.

My experience has been that healing, and the people who really share community in my life, have been few and far between, and often just for a short season. The truth is, many people have to wait for a long, long time to find this type of community, and I believe some never do. I personally would have found Stephen's story more realistic (and more encouraging) with a few changes.

Some ideas are: Stephen's friendship with Andy is off again, on again. Andy disappears without explanation (often when Stephen needs him most) for months at a time. Maybe Andy drops away altogether and Stephen waits (perhaps for a couple of years) for someone else to come along who feels like sharing a friendship. Then, that friend gets tired of him and moves on. Maybe he tries the church where Carlos the pastor presides, only to have that situation fall apart because Stephen is 'too raw.' Meanwhile, the group at Bo's begins gossiping about what a pain in the neck Stephen is, and begins meeting on Fridays without telling him. Stephen suffers and is angry. Yet he struggles to hold onto the few pieces of the puzzle that he collects from each relationship. Slowly but surely he knows God is always with him, helping him walk the lonely road, sending him a friend here and there and then helping him walk alone again. Maybe by this time his wife has gotten fed up and left him, but he is rebuilding his relationship with his now-grown daughter and even finding a peaceable relationship with his now ex-wife.

I'd really like to see someone write a novel more along these lines. There are starkly realistic movies that still leave the viewer with hope and great thoughts to chew on; why not a novel? I'm thinking that part of the problem is the fact that publishing companies are now coming out with shorter, more condensed books to accommodate the average reader, who doesn't have the time or attention span to tread through a longer book. Hmm, this is the same lack of time and patience I normally see in society these days that make communities like the one in "Bo's Cafe" seem just too story-bookish to be anything but a nice idea.

Bound and Loosed

Here is another Bible verse that I've always wondered about: "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven." Mt. 18:18

I've seen this verse applied something like this: A person with a cold has the 'demon' of illness over them bound, and is expected to instantly be healed. Or, someone with financial trouble has a prayer binding the devourer prayed over them, with the expected result of money appearing to solve their problems. I'm not even sure what the 'loosed' part of the verse means.

The following verses, Mt. 18:19-20, is often simultaneously applied. "Again, I tell you that if the two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."

I've seen this passage used as the 'vending machine God' approach. Supposedly if two or more people agree on any type of healing, problem solving, or blessing prayed a certain way, God just has to do it for them. They have this verse as 'proof.'

I've seen this approach fail often enough that I'm looking for better answers. I think the lack of real relationship between people and between God may be the key as to why we often see little in the way of results from our asking prayers. As if God is just someone to go to to fix your problems, not someone to walk with as a friend and Father.

What I've usually seen when Christians get together for the "two or three" prayers is to get some sort of quick fix for something, not just to hang out with each other and God out of sheer enjoyment and love. People want quick fixes because they don't necessitate the kind of relationship it takes to walk through things with each other on a more realistic, God-orchestrated timeline. That's my .02 worth.

So, what are your thoughts?

A beautiful poem

Here is a beautiful poem written by bretttact, from the Free Believers site. In case you missed it on Aida's blog, here it is:

Heavenly Deception

There is so much Lord,
That is claimed in Your name,
For which we are ashamed.

Truth whispered from ear to ear;
Prized, hidden, cloaked,
Disguised from the world;
For we are one of the chosen few,
Initiates into the mysteries of time,
And the world laughs at us.

The works of man feel soo good-
Discipline, love, acceptance,
Unity in uniformity,
Common belief,
With no grief, no pain-
We’re anesthetized,
So we believe everyone else is insane
Living in vain,
While we're mindless -
Drugged out, washed out,
Unable to know our feelings & doubts,
Because we know Truth,
We're in the Family,
We're his 'children'
And must express the reality thereof;
Perfectly loyal, without fear, doubt,
Or equivocation.
Just claim emancipation,
As we sink deeper,
And deeper,
Thru mere participation,
Into mindless submission,
Performing the deception,
Ordained of god,
To advance the Work,
Amongst all these clods.
Heavenly Deception -
In the name of Truth.

We sit back,
Having it all pat,
Swallowing Satan's con:
Surface religion.
Tired of his standard brands,
We searched for truth, peace & love.
He offered us suitable facsimiles,
(Empty & hollow,
The only level deception survives at)
Just prior to our reality confrontation;
Plucked out of the rat race,
Placed into Satan's deceptive grace.

But then the moment comes,
The true moment of truth,
When we see
From the simple gut level values of our conscious,
That what the group speaks,
To its members
And the world,
Don't match.
The moment of confrontation -
When we find politics preempts truth.

"God, what do I do?
This group teaches the truth,
The fruits are good,
But God,
This is hypocrisy,
Help me Lord!
I want to believe!
I want to belong!
I want to serve You,
I want to do what is right!
Help me God,
Show me how to reconcile the two,
Maybe this…
Or maybe that…
But it doesn't fit!
It just doesn't fit.

Lord, why aren't you answering me?
Can You?
Maybe they don't reconcile -
But they've got to -
What they preach and write is so true -
I've put so much into this organization -
They can't be hypocrites,
Can they?…
Why not?
Why do they have to be different from other men?
Why can't money, power & fame
Get to them,
Making religion one big game?
God!!
Help me!!!
I don't want to think these thoughts,
I don't want to believe this to be true,
I want to believe in You,
I want to do Your work,
And they're doing it.
God!
Help me!!
I can't figure this out!
Its driving me mad!
Help me!!!

Then more information came pouring in,
Confusing me more,
Friends desperately bombarding me with questions and facts;
The dilemma worsens;
I can't hold on,
But I must,
They are God's chosen,
The true church,
The only way to eternal life.

"I just want peace Lord,
I don't want anything new in my life;
I just want to sit home.
Leave me alone everyone,
I'm busy hanging on to the truth;
Please, don't change anything in my world,
I'm just barely in it now.
Oh Lord, I can't wait till the day I die'
Thoughtless death,
Sweet death,
Please come to me."

But it didn't.
Instead, You sent a message,
You reminded me of our first meeting,
How You convicted me to search for the Truth,
Showed me to judge honestly.


Thank You Lord,
For renewing my faith in You to see me through.
Be with me as I study YOUR Word,
Let me not take sides,
Nor make artificial standards to measure by,
But seek the Truth,
Which shall make me free;
If I am free
I am free totally.

There is so much Lord,
That's destroying people in these cults;
Use me to help them,
To help pluck them out of the fire somehow,
As You have plucked me,
Saved me from deception's misery.
Come Lord Jesus,
To save us all from ourselves.
Come.

Infamous quotes from the Bible

Hi everyone, due to numerous computer problems and time constraints I have not posted in a while. I am hoping that I can do better in the next few weeks! I have enjoyed reading others' blogs though.

I am going to post a few of what I believe are the most well-known 'proof texts' that have been misused over and over to put people into some sort of bondage and keep them there. I would like others' feedback on what you believe was really intended for us to glean from the text.

I will start with the infamous Hebrews 10:25. "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

I'm wondering why some of these people had 'given up meeting together.' The early church sounded a lot more spiritually healthy overall than most of what I've seen in my day. Maybe I'm wrong? As I stated some time ago on my 'Going to church' blog, why would people NOT want to go to a meeting with other believers if they left feeling enouraged?

What are your thoughts?

Women of Grace

This cartoon is only funny if you’re coming out on the other side of this life. Most of us as former trying-to-be-perfect home schoolers on the performance track know that this sort of thing can be a focal point causing many sleepless nights. I believe that anyone who has spent any amount of time as a home schooler knows what I’m talking about.

There is an extra burden in the performance-based world of institutional Christianity for us. We feel the burden of being absolutely responsible for all our children’s development, moral choices, and most of all, spiritual walk.We are inundated with “experts” who lord over us and make us feel incapable. Listen to us, they say. We have perfect grown children; we’ve been home schooling for at least 25 years. We’ve been in ministry for longer than that. We can quote tons of Scripture and we’ve written lots of material telling dummies like you how to interpret and apply it. If you buy our books and copy our methods, you too will gain interplanetary alignment and domestic bliss. If it doesn’t work, you have unconfessed sin in your life or you’re just not trying hard enough.

As former institutional-mindset people, we’ve all been subject to this general line of reason by those who are ‘authorities.’ It’s certainly burdensome enough to try to pull this off for your own salvation. It’s unbearable when you’re trying to do it for your children. The enemy really knows how to pull the strings. Those of us who love our children want to do the very best for them, but following the above theology locks us into a mindset that our best just isn’t good enough. One popular “teacher” in the conservative home school realm flatly states that “we as parents are responsible for our children’s souls.”

I am so glad that Father has led some of us out of that awful place. I am glad to have come to realize the foundational flaws in such theology. To follow the ‘experts’ advice instead of our own hearts is to treat them as Old Testament priests. But we are all priests in the Lord now. To see ourselves as responsible for our children’s souls is making us God. I am glad to finally see the meaning of “rest in the Lord.” He is my child’s ultimate parent – I am here to be a human guide and protector.

It is frightening how badly blinded many home schooling parents are by intimidating ‘experts’ who remind you of ‘how high the stakes are’ when reminding parents of their duty to flawless diligence at all times. As though our children’s immortal soul really is in our hands and not Father’s.

I am thrilled that Father has led me to talk with other women who were caught up in this world and now recovering. I especially want to thank Kim, Kirsten and Marie, who have been women of grace to me. Kim had her own tribute on but I want to give her another kudos here for being open and honest about the fact that she can’t fix everything perfect for her children, nor ensure a spotless outcome by formulas or her speckless performance as a parent. Instead, she emphasizes what is really important – a real heart connection with our children. This is something I believe all parents would do well to take to heart.

Marie is a very laid back and mellow person. She is now a former homeschool mom, but she spent some time running around the track. I didn’t get a chance to meet her children, but I imagine they are probably some of the happiest and most well nurtured children on the planet with such a mellow, gentle mom. I am sorry that she doesn’t live closer to me. But how glad I am that we have gotten to meet and hopefully will again!

Marie’s gentle ways and quiet thoughtfulness are a stark contrast to the in-your-face, “Train Up A Child” – flapping zealots that I spent way too much time around for years in home school circles. I can never in a million years imagine her shoving unsolicited advice on anyone, let alone another mom. I can never imagine her boasting on how much better behaved her children are.  I can’t imagine her judging another parent. Her wry sense of humor is thoughtful and encouraging.

Kirsten and I “met” online only a few weeks before we were able to meet in person in CA. Almost immediately we began trading “war stories” via email about our experiences in the home school world. It was amazing how similar our experiences were. We felt judged and looked down on by our own “friends” and “support groups.”  We were caught on the “never enough” performance track so often popular in conservative Christian mothering and marriage teachings. Yet it was cathartic to be able to laugh together at ourselves, our experiences, the things that used to bind us.

We have reassured each other that we aren’t perfect. We have shared the “gasp!” truth about many things. Neither of us keep a particularly tidy house, a super trim figure, or a rigid academic schedule. We both let our kids eat junk food, watch TV, and disobey without punishing them with ‘the rod.’ We don’t fit the submissive wife mold or the tireless mother model. We’re both capable of downing a pan of brownies by ourselves. I will admit to having done so on more than one occasion. Thank you ladies, for being human with me – for not only admitting that you’re human, but for laughing about it with me, and understanding my struggles. Thank you for being women of grace in my life.

(cartoon courtesy of Todd Wilson, Family Man Ministries)

Family

The desire for more abiding love and unity in the family of Christ is something that Father has put heavily on my heart lately. As I’ve previously discussed, there was always more talk in IC about how “we are a family” than I ever saw lived out. Some of the time I’ve spent in Christian circles reminds me of spending time with the in-laws when you don’t really care for each other: you’re a family – but in name only.

My journey-mate Free Spirit has written an impressive series of BLOGS called, “The Last Cow Standing.” I thought her title was great, and fits well especially here in the buckle of the Bible belt. Here in Texas, IC and “kin” rival each other for first place.

Sometimes, IC wins. There was a story that I heard in the context of a sermon about a man’s dying father who chose to attend his usual evening church service rather than his granddaughter’s birthday party, the last he would ever be able to attend in this lifetime.

Other times, “kin” wins. I wish I had a nickel for every time I’ve tried to invite someone over from the IC who couldn’t make it because of a family engagement. “Family” always came first. I heard an endless list of excuses from some former friends why they never had time for me. It was often some family get-together with relatives they didn’t even like or get along well with, but hey – family is family and they should rightfully eclipse everyone else at all times.

Either way, I wish I had a dime for every time I thought someone made a choice that showed how far out of whack their priorities were. It’s not necessarily about whether “church family” or “blood relatives” come first – it’s about making the heart choice that is reflective of abiding in Love. I think Free Spirit said it better than I can, so if you want a thorough run-down on this subject please check out her BLOGS. I’m just going to add a few more cents’ worth here.

There’s a reason we’re being awakened, called out of the catacombs of lifeless tradition. I am specifically speaking right now of the lack of understanding of just what family really means to Father. I’m not a doomsayer; I don’t try to pinpoint when Christ is coming back or spend my days combing the news for anything to line up with Biblical prophecy. However, I believe the time is coming. Just as the Bible says, the Church will be persecuted in the last days. It is commonly agreed that you depend on family during hard times. But I think we’ve barely tapped the significance of this idea in spiritual terms.

What are we going to do when the church is persecuted? When “building church” becomes illegal or even dangerous? When it becomes totally acceptable to be anything BUT a Christian? What if our own biological relatives turn on us and report us to the government for living our lives as we feel led? What if the people we called our “family” at church all run for the hills, forgetting our name as they do so? If we don’t know the difference between relatives, institutional church-based friendships, and true spiritual family – well, I think the day will come when we’re in real trouble. These things can be one and the same, but sometimes they’re not.

I don’t feel afraid of what may be coming as I write this; I’m not trying to scare anyone else either. Nor do I feel that Father is trying to scare or condemn anyone. Father may be concerned for us learning to live as family for practical, life-saving purposes that are to come only-He-knows-when. But even more importantly, I think is that he loves us so much that he wants us to deeply learn how to live as Christ said, “By this they will know that you are my disciples, that you love one another.”

Touch

I found a couple of interesting articles that you can read HERE and HERE . It’s no wonder we as the American church have so much difficulty living in love. Touch is a very natural part of love. While these articles are good, I think it’s indicative of a very sad problem that this even needed to be said. Throughout most of history, such an article would probably have been met with a befuddled stare. It would have been like handing a shepherd a manual on why sheep bleat when they’re not fed. Only in a society as warped and far off the meter as ours is, would we even need to be told these things.

But indeed, warped the American culture has become. We’ve been so conditioned to live in fear of our affections being misconstrued. Someone might think we’re behaving provocatively. Someone might suspect us of being gay. Someone might even think we’re child molesters in disguise.

The second article reported the observed low amounts of touch between teens. Then it stated, “The low amounts of touching in these studies was surprising, given the high levels of physical intimacy reported among U.S. students.” Excuse me? DUH! Where is the surprise? Based on the overall report in this article (which I think is dead on) desperate teens in a “no touch” culture will do whatever it takes to get a hug, some contact with another, anything disguised as affection and love. And I don’t think this phenomenon is in any way limited to teens.

It is easy to see why there is so much sexual deviance in our culture. We all hear stories of teen promiscuity, same-sex partnerships, adultery. But even many who live in healthy and functional marriages and other family relationships may find ourselves worrying about sexual sin and thinking we’re just a step away from it. With the number of sexual images being bombarded at us on a daily basis in our culture, it’s no wonder we may tend to have “sex on the brain” whether we want to or not.

Even standing in line at Wal-Mart we’d have to close our eyes and try not to get run over by the cart behind us to keep from being bombarded with images. Each time we are greeted with obtrusive magazine covers that try to force-feed the public endless details of the sex scandals of celebrities and other sexually related things we didn’t really want to know. Yet we’re often cautious of giving a simple hug or squeeze on the shoulder for fear it will be misconstrued. How sick is that?

I couldn't find any conclusive scientific evidence to support the following statement, but I'm going to make it anyway: I think that nearly all sexually deviant relationships and desires are the product of an environment in which healthy expression of love and affection isn't allowed or available.

I wish all this didn’t affect the Church, but sometimes I think we are the worst affected of all. We’ve been so conditioned to think that Christianity is about Not Sinning, rather than Living in Love. Therefore, the plumb line has been making sure you don’t do anything that looks wrong, rather than making sure someone else feels loved.

I’m just sick of it. And I hope and pray that Father will continue to work to heal this sick cultural phenomenon that has infected his Bride. It was so wonderful at the Free Believers gathering in California to just hug my brothers and sisters. I’m looking forward to seeing lots more of this next year in Phoenix. Meanwhile, I’m going to try to keep my eyes open for anyone who needs a hug.

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. – Mother Teresa