Saturday, May 9, 2009

A Brother

I believe Father is working to heal an old wound, one of no nurturing male relationships in my family of origin. The sadness over the loss (or really lack is a better word) of relationship with my biological brother is something I thought I was just stuck with. It is such old news that I went years hardly thinking about it. Yet it had been bothering me a lot again for a few months. I’m noticing a pattern over my years as a disciple, that when something really begins to eat at me, Father often is actually working on healing that area.

The warnings about adultery and sexual sin in the church have had me treading carefully over the years. Supposedly we are all brothers and sisters in Christ, but IC protocol dictated that I wasn’t truly allowed to have relationship with any of the men. At some level this always saddened me. What good is a family if you can’t abide in love with the other members?

Well, I knew I was supposed to keep my distance in order to avoid sinful temptations. I didn’t find myself really drawn to many of the men anyway, some were cool and distant, others friendly enough but didn’t stand out as anything super special to me. I even thought some of them were Total Geeks. So I didn’t really see what the big deal was. But I certainly didn’t want to be guilty, so I dutifully followed the rules.

Occasionally though, I would talk with someone who I really liked. They might be especially good listeners, or have a great sense of humor, or an exceptionally gentle and compassionate personality. I would find myself wanting to talk to them more and get to know them more. I would even find myself looking forward to seeing them again.

Then of course, I thought "oh no. This must be adultery in the making. A tiny flame can be fanned into a wildfire, so snuff it out!" I would stuff down thoughts of wanting to talk more in depth with a man I liked, or of really liking him for this quality or that. Especially if he was anywhere near my age. I figured it might be OK if he was young enough to be my much-younger brother or old enough to be my grandpa, but anything else was Not Allowed.

Fortunately I have come to realize that most of the "adultery" paranoia is based on the "depraved sinner" mentality, rather than acknowledging we have new hearts. After all, many of Jesus’ friends who followed him around were women. I assume they were single, but Jesus obviously wasn’t "available," as that wasn’t what he’d come to earth for. I remember Mary finding Jesus alive and well on the third day, falling at his feet and weeping overjoyed. What love she must have had for him! Yet I don’t believe for a minute that they were having an affair or any sort of inappropriate relationship. They were simply and very powerfully loving each other as brother and sister.

Meeting Darin in person at the "Jake BBQ" was a real blessing. After a year and a half of reading his writings and listening to him online, I got to see added dimensions of how kind and insightful he is. I really enjoy his personality and sense of humor. And his compassion and understanding of people is truly special. He doted over his daughter, approached everyone with a friendly smile, patiently answered the questions of hungry people.

On the last evening, I listened as Darin talked with someone who was struggling and had a lot of questions. I hoped to have something helpful to say too, but there was little I could add to the conversation. So I just watched as Darin did as Jesus did -took the time to listen and get to the root of the problem.

As I sat listening to Darin, I recognized some of the feelings of affection and being drawn to a man that I had had in the past that I’d been told were wrong, sinful, deviant. The knee-jerk reaction of, "Oh, I'm sorry Lord, let me not sin" kicked in. In the past, the "oh no, I'm sinning" thoughts made it easy enough to change channels and think about something else.

This time, that didn't work. The feeling grew stronger and I know Father wanted it that way. Then, I felt Father was saying softly to me, "It’s all right. Let it out. It’s okay." So I let a wave of love for him just wash over me. I just love Darin, I told Father, and I felt Father smile as he said, I know you do. And it’s all right, as well you should. He is your brother.

I believe that brothers are just as important as fathers are. They can give their sisters friendship, protection, advice, the feeling that she is important and special and beautiful. Or, they can hurt hurt her and make her feel worthless. Is it really Father's plan to allow the loss and the wounds from our earthly family to remain a burden we have to carry all our days? Many Christian circles seem to hold a view of "you're a depraved sinner, so don't look at, talk to, or allow yourself to have significant feelings for anyone of the opposite sex unless you're married to them." Is this really reflective of Father's view of us? As Proverbs says, as a man thinks, so he is. I'm coming to see how we've shortchanged ourselves thinking this way.

If you haven’t already listened, the link to the latest FBN podcast is HERE. The subjects of sex, relationships, and the distinction between healthy and unhealthy ways to express our love for one another is a subject I hope is opened up for discussion more. Certainly there are appropriate boundaries, but Father is showing me what we are missing by 'drawing the lines' way too rigidly. We're missing out on relationships of love that could work to heal, help, and encourage each other.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Amy,
Oh!! This is so wonderful! I am so glad Papa is doing this within your heart, between Darin and you, and with other brothers in Christ!

I can really relate to everything you shared here! I do not know if you knew this or not, but I lost my biological brother, Andy, back in 1995. Yet, even before then, I somewhat "lost" him emotionally, as he suffered from schizophrenia. Nonetheless, I loved/love him deeply and always will.

With that loss, on top of a loss of a significant male relationship, when I first met Darin back in 2002, he, and another brother, became "like brothers" to me, deeply. It was such a blessing from Papa Jesus Holy Spirit. They were/are just the perfect people I needed in my life, and to this day, I realize how we sisters need good brothers in Christ.

Again, wonderful post, Amy!

Blessings,
~Amy :)
Walking In The Spirit

introvertgirl said...

Amy, thank you for sharing your experience as well. I'm sorry about your brother Andy, my husband has a sibling loss story somewhat like yours.

The talk about how "we're all a family" really bugged me at IC because for the most part, it was just talk.

I believe Father really wants to impress the TRUTH of this on us, that we are a family even more than we are with our biological family. I really hope we all start seeing this lived out more. Thanks for sharing :-D

Aida said...

Beautiful post, Amy, and I can also relate. My brother who is some ways was almost like a father to me died a number of years ago.

And you know how very special Darin is to me so I definitely understand your feelings about him.

I think you made a good point that if we're really a family how can we say it's wrong to love part of that family. Through our conversations, I've come to see the truth of what you've shared here.

Thanks for so beautifully sharing what's also on my heart.

introvertgirl said...

Thanks Aida. I believe there is SO much to the subject of learning to have healthy, loving relationships with others. We often don't have them and so things get twisted into something sexual in our minds when that isn't truly even our hearts' cry. I think this applies to so many relationships... not just with brothers and sisters. I'm glad this was helpful to you :-D

Free Spirit said...

Aww, great thoughts here, Lionwoman... and how "deviant" (wink) they are. I really relate to your struggle here; for I, too, have been raised under religion's paranoia, and yes, it infiltrated my thinking as well.

You make an excellent point here of how we may well be missing out on the blessings of sharing in Papa's love for ALL our "blood"relatives - well, related by the blood of Jesus, anyways - I'm not sure any other blood counts.

I do also understand the need for caution (not paranoia), and especially if there are deficiencies within a marriage, where one partner is feeling more prone to get their emotional or physical needs met elsewhere. Those are times when we gotta ask Papa to intervene.

But, if we love as Papa loves, and His love is made manifest in us, then we can't help but to be committed to our own covenant partner (spouse).

I think the problem arises when our own marriage becomes "unhealthy," thus causing one to feel weak and vulnerable to another's affection.

I think you're talking about when two people have a healthy and happy marriage.

Sorry if I opened a can of worms here. Just wanted to look from a different angle, as I know of many who have really struggled with this because of unhealthy deficiencies in their own marriage.

introvertgirl said...

Tammy, I agree that seeing this from all angles is a good idea. Friendship between men and women can be a more tenuous thing when one or both of them is in a deficient or unhappy marriage.

I’m thinking now though, a good relationship with another man, “blood” relative or no, can actually help a marriage. Over the years I’ve put an enormous amount of pressure on my own sweet husband to “be” everything I need, partly because of NO other healthy relationships with other men in any capacity at all. I’ve actually wanted a closer “brother” in our life just as much for my husband’s sake, if not more.

Kathie said...

Thank you so much for this post. It has bothered me for a long, long time that as a married woman I am cut off from half of the "family". Even as a single woman I would be. I have seen the same paranoia you have - don't laugh too loud at a guy's jokes, don't smile too big, or people will start to suspect. It's very sad. I so look forward to Heaven when we can freely relate to men as well as women without fear or suspicion.

Perhaps adultery in the church is partly because of this culture - similar to American teens not touching but being sexually promiscuous. They're starved for touch, and we're starved for relationships with our brothers. I would have agreed with the commenter who said it may depend on how your marriage relationship is - yes and no. I have at times felt myself in danger with a brother (my marriage has never been good) and backed off accordingly (mostly I knew that I was seeking a certain type of approval from him that I should not have been); but then, almost every single time I do have the chance to get to know a brother a bit I realize that all men have their quirks - that the grass is *not* greener on the other side, that the perfect guy does *not* exist, and marriage would be difficult no matter *who* I'm married to.

It was just when I got to the end of your post that I thought of the stricter Middle Eastern practice of women not being allowed to show themselves or go out without a male escort. It struck me that this is the IC's version of that same thought. Women and men mixed together are dangerous.

introvertgirl said...

Kathie, thanks for stopping by! I’m glad you enjoyed this blog. It’s funny, just a couple of days ago I was thinking the very same thing, how wonderful it will be to express love to my brothers with total abandon in heaven, without the “sex” issue in the way at all.

Regarding your comments about teens, you may enjoy my latest blog, “Touch.” While I understand Free Spirit’s concerns, I also agree with you. A person being in an unhappy marriage does not automatically mean they can’t have a good friendship with someone of the opposite sex. It really just depends on the people involved.

Like you, I’ve grown so sad and weary of the paranoid mentality that has become staunch tradition in many Christian circles. I believe Father wants to open our hearts on this subject and show us that he wants better for us. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.